8 Reasons why You’re Not the Toxic One
You do not relate to Anti-Hero.
By Gracie Kibort with art by Natalie Williams
Have you been called a drama queen once or twice? Is your name featured on the hit list of not one but two ex-friends from high school? Secretly believe you’re too good for everyone around you? You can’t possibly be the problem! Let me tell you why.
1.You don’t gossip, you vent
It’s different, I swear. People should know better than to cross you, and when they do, it’s your right to divulge the situation to your roommate. And your mutual friends. And your boyfriend. And his roommates. Someone once told you it was okay to YikYak about someone’s physical description and personal info. It’s very cathartic and anonymous, don’t worry about it.
2. You are above drama
Ugh, the worst! No matter how hard you try to avoid it, drama has always clung to your leggings like the hair of your Goldendoodle. It isn’t your fault! It just has a way of finding you like your ex on campus. Remind yourself that the cream always rises to the top, and make sure to only vent your frustrations to a few (ten’s a few, right?) close friends.
3. You put yourself first
You’re number one and won’t be number two. You’ve never questioned your self-worth for an instant, and understand feelings have to be hurt to protect your own. It’s not that friends are collateral, but like Abby Lee Miller once said “Everyone’s replaceable.” We know who’s top dog is around here, and sometimes it takes an honest person to sacrifice others to save what really matters, yourself. Without a doubt, your oxygen mask is going on first.
4. Particular not picky
The constant accusations of being picky drive you insane! You aren’t picky, you’re particular! So what? You like things the way you like them. You hate skinny jeans, Taylor Swift, and Adidas Superstars. Chipped manicures make you gag. In fact, it grosses you out to have them within your vicinity. You have definitive specifications, and even though you know you’re particular, you have the right taste. Better taste. You crave control like your Juul, and wholeheartedly believe the world would be better and prettier if it was in your jurisdiction.
5. Quick with the scissors
Cutting people off is your forte. Loyalty is a requirement from your besties, and if betrayed, there is little hesitation. The receipts of ex-friends and hookups are lengthy, but you refuse to keep any toxic energy around. It’s bad for the vibes! If it is not serving you, it’s stifling you. Haven’t you heard it’s impossible to keep a snake as a pet?
6. One of the Guys
Girls are so much work. They are dramatic and sooo fake. Luckily, the guys love having you around. They think of you as one of their own! You’re always invited to game day and the pregame. It’s such a bummer when they invite their girlfriends. Girlfriends are always so jealous of you, because you’re not like *them*. It’s not their fault they’re in love with you or something!
7. Honesty is the best policy
Let’s clear the air: honesty ≠ being mean. The first time you saw “Glee,” you immediately identified with Santana Lopez. Just like the cheerio, people love you because you keep it real and are hilarious. You’ve been described as blunt, a bitch, and even a scum-sucking road w****. But you can’t help it, you’re fluent in one language, and one language only—honesty. You have a unique tendency to always be right, and people like to weaponize it. They need to lighten up, let it roll right off your back, girl. They’re probably just resentful because you’re prettier.
8. Toxic positivity isn’t a real thing
You’re lucky to be so fantastically blessed physically, socially, financially, mentally, etc., etc. Most people aren’t as fortunate as you. To cope, you spread positivity like COVID, hacking and sneezing smiles in every which way. You’re sympathetic and helpful. “Aw, you’re still single? Do you think it’s because of your acne? You should wash your face more!” Whenever the going gets tough you tell your friends, “You might’ve brought this on yourself, but negativity only breeds more negativity. Smile more!” The self-described ray-of-sunshine. Why bother frowning when your life smells so sweet? It causes wrinkles!
Don’t freak, clearly, this isn’t a “you” problem. Objectively speaking, life would be bitter, sad, and uglier without you. Girl world is cutthroat, and you’re just doing you.