The Utility of Estate Sales
Your guide to a promising post-mortem market
By Quinn McClurg
Besides its philosophical experience, what I’ll be thinking about most while dying is what my estate sale will look like. I regularly attend these post-mortem open-houses, but I’m always surprised by how few folks understand their utility. Here’s a quick guide for perfectly plundering these oft-forgot grave goods.
Before You Head Out, Scope it Out: Sometimes a listing will tell you all you need to know—I’m talking about the scammers, the upsellers, and the out-of-touch. Warning signs include large companies with generic names, listing only luxury brands, and super removed suburbs (i.e. Stillwater). All-in-all, it’s mostly trial and error, but usually one item’s pricing can tell you all you need to know.
You Won’t Strike “Treasure” Every Time: Most estate sales are nothing more than garden tools, tattered clothes, and knock-off Precious Moments. This is perfect—you aren’t looking to flip Caravaggio’s, you’re looking to survive! Grab that kitchenware, clothes, and the otherwise pricey tools that everyone else overlooks.
Be Steady for the Unsavory: Let’s face it: most folks rich enough to afford an “estate” and old enough to die will leave behind a lot of problematic possessions. When encountering aggressive appropriation, you can always exit. If you’re braver than I, pick a fight with the sale’s attendants to make sure these disgraces end up in dumpsters.
Sundays are for the Sabbath (But Mostly for the Steal): As the last day for most sales, Sundays mean that everything’s gotta go, usually being 50% off. The over-expensive becomes affordable; the reasonably priced now feels like robbery. Plus, with the conventional cliques at church, crowds are a lot thinner; and all the most unconventional odds-and-ends are left for your satisfaction.
Exemplary finds: A handmade lace bridal gown (less than a dollar); a lifetime supply of boot- and leather-care materials ($5); a mysterious brass-and-bone orb ($2.50).
Interrogation Opportunities: If you’re inquisitive, eight times out of 10 you’ll be able to glean the entire life story of the dearly departed from the attendants. If you’re daring, feel free to use this opportunity to sweet talk your way to a discount… just don’t make any promises that you can’t keep—flirtatious, financial, or otherwise.