Breaking News in Texas

The Zodiac Killer gets elected as Senator

By: Abbi Kiesau 

The infamous Zodiac Killer has just been elected as a United States Senator representing the state of Texas. The notorious serial killer who terrorized California in the late 1960s is now widely believed to be none other than Ted Cruz. The Republicans are celebrating this victory while the snowflake liberals mourn the loss of Beto O’Rourke. When asked about his democratic counterpart, the Zodiac Killer brought up Beto’s detrimental character flaws. “Well, he had the audacity to cuss throughout his campaign. I mean, did you hear him tell his supporters after his loss, ‘I am so f***ing proud of you guys?’ I mean, really? You do not want your kids around that guy.”

But why do we think Cruz is a murderer? During his run for presidency, evidence quickly surfaced suggesting that he might be the elusive Zodiac Killer. Does the Texas Senator have a secret life? The Zodiac Killer was never identified, but let’s take a look at the facts.

By all possible accounts, Cruz is a horrible human being! You have to be pretty horrible to be a murderer, right? And have you seen that sketch of the Zodiac Killer? Squint a little, and it looks just like Cruz. Lastly, Cruz has never denied it and even went so far as tweet a Halloween message in Zodiac code! This is his signature, and signatures don’t change.

What is in store for Texas after this election? While the killer side of Cruz seems to have remained dormant for more than 40 years, only time will tell what will happen next.