Don’t Call Me Your “Gay Bestfriend”

“Positive” stereotypes of LGBT people and why they’re problematic.

By Matthew Voigt

The phrase “Gay Bestfriend” strikes anger, confusion, and fear into the very core of my being.

Even though I’ve heard it a thousand times, I still never get entirely used to having my identity reduced down to a singular characteristic—my sexuality. Apparently, because I’m a gay, masculine-presenting person, there’s only one way I can be. A demasculinized person speaks in a “gay voice” and has a great sense of style.

For a young, impressionable person, these “positive” stereotypes were all I had when I first came out and started forming an identity. These “positive” stereotypes were quite damaging to my young, confused, gay self in hindsight. It forced my sexuality and gender expression into an archetype for years until I learned that you can make your identity what you want it to be. Once I realized that I didn’t need to fit an archetype, I never looked back. 

The LGBT experience isn’t universal; it’s a deeply personal, challenging experience and affects every LGBT person differently. But for a young, impressionable person, these “positive” stereotypes were all I had in my initial understanding of what gay meant. 

Initially, when I first came out to my friends nearly eight years ago, my entire gay identity was informed mainly by 2013 Tumblr—so, middle and high school girls shipping “straight” men together (Johnlock, Destiel, Phan, any combo of One Direction members, almost any combination) and lowkey fetishization of gay-coded relationships and culture. While not overt, the “positive” stereotyping warped and harmed my perception of gay relationships and identity. 

These “positive” stereotypes of gayness promoted the “admirable, desirable, or beneficial qualities and characteristics” defined by the American Psychological Association. But by stereotyping gay people in that way, forcing a group into a preordained societal box also causes a one-dimensional look of identity. But stereotypes can affect people in different ways. To help me explain how it can look in another person, I asked my friend, Macy Harder, a cis-gendered and bisexual woman, to explain some of the stereotypes she’s faced.

“In general, the main one [I’ve faced] has to do with bi-erasure; that bi people don’t exist. It’s just an in-between phase between being straight and being gay, which is so wrong and so binary,” Harder said. 

Bi-erasure is a huge issue, both outside and inside the LGBT community. Bi-erasure is the continuation of the trend of LGBT persons continually being “erased” from the historical record and having their issues minimized because people think that we made “the wrong choice” or we are “indecisive.” Let me be clear: sexuality and gender are not voluntary “choices”; LGBT people don’t choose; we’ve always felt this way. When the time is right and safe, the choice we can make is to act upon our true identities and live authentically. 

While the list of “positive” stereotypes (and those less than savory stereotypes) is miles long and I’m not a qualified person to talk about every stereotype and how it intersects with other stereotypes and identities; I can, however, talk about the ones I’ve faced, call them out, and use my platform to educate people about how and why stereotypes can be damaging. I have the privilege of being in a safe space that accepts me for who I am; many LGBT people don’t have that privilege and struggle even harder than I have. 

But, if you’re wondering what you can do, educate yourself about LGBT people, culture, and history. One of the easiest ways to do that is by surrounding yourself with LGBT-created media and people. Whether that’s following more LGBT creators, watching movies directed by LGBT people, or reading literature and history by LGBT people, education is the first step to change. And you shouldn’t limit yourself to just LGBT issues, numerous marginalized groups face damaging stereotypes, and you should continually educate yourself and listen to their stories. The most important thing you should remember is that most people don’t fit neatly into a box, let alone stereotypes.

“Nobody is one thing; people aren’t just one thing,” Harder said. “It can be really hard on queer people because they feel like they have to conform to what society thinks a queer person is.”