One Among 4.98%

Diving head first into the a Lesson in Midnight Debauchery Dominately White Institution.

ANONYMOUS

How do I claw and tear my way into a spot that I have rightfully earned, yet still feel completely unqualified and alone? How do my (white) friends take space in a way I’ve never felt I could?

In 5/5 of my classes, I am the only self- identifying Latina. I sit in class and look at the three3 other POC and panic at the thought of having to represent the 4.98% of Latinx students that make up the UMN. Is my passion enough? Is my excitement for my future career what got me here, or am I only the token student to be brought out when someone needs a Sspanish translation?

My classmates make obscure references to academic papers I’ve never heard of. A professor giggles at my pronunciation of a word I had only ever read and never spoken. I over- prepare, starting assignments and studying terms weeks in advance, only to be made fun of by classmates for trying too hard. They can’t seem to understand what it feels like to be the first in your family to reach this level of academic success. They hold so little understanding of the social norms expected of POC in white scholarly institutions. I can’t help but see the message wherever I turn : “You don’t belong.”.

To assimilate requires erasing your ethnicity; you have to perform in a way that puts white people at ease, to the point where you earn an honorary whiteness: “You’re not like the others.” Students, like myself, who choose not to erase their ethnicity, or who cannot downplay their differences, are othered and quietly outcast.

So, I look for places to call my own. I smile at every person of color on my way to class. I seek to be inclusive where I have been neglected. I see the way my fellow Latinx band together to create communities on this campus. I try to become a champion where I had none. But, the insecurities and doubts remain. Sometimes, they’re a full orchestra in my brain; other, other times, a mere hum. But I push through and, even though it sucks, so should you.