Teens Amazed After Encountering Friend’s Cool Dad

He’s the sickest, singlest guy in the neighborhood

By: Sammi DiVito

To the adolescent eye, anybody over the age of 30 is a slowly deteriorating loser. And how can they not be? The middle-aged don’t know how to do a kickflip on a skateboard, talk about Jimmy Buffet, and spend their days crawling towards their graves. That is until one group of super sick high school guys meet someone even sicker: The Cool Dad. 

After a messy divorce, this Cool Dad now lives in the ultimate tear-stained bachelor pad. He claims to be a minimalist, doesn’t like the look of excess furniture or decorations after his wife took them all, and, as a result, has a blow-up couch and the TV set up on the floor. The teens are astonished when Cool Dad emerges from behind the beaded-curtain entrance of the kitchen and gives them lukewarm Natural Light beers upon arrival. They aren’t even legal drinking age, but Cool Dad doesn’t care. He just winks, throws back his ponytail, and warns them not to tell anyone. 

There’s a big poster of a scantily clad Beyoncé on the wall, but Cool Dad tells them it’s just because he“really digs her music.” They linger beneath the picture, congratulating their friend on how sick his Dad is. Their dads like picking up neat shells on the beach and wearing sneakers with good arch support. They look over, and Cool Dad is pretending to play air guitar and vaping. “He’s the freaking man,”they all say, “How is he still single?”

Later, the teens depart and begrudgingly leave their friend. Without guests to entertain, Cool Dad has commenced staring at his ex-wife’s Facebook page while pumping a Shake Weight. They have chicken nuggets for dinner. His son doesn’t understand why people think his dad is so cool—his dad is as embarrassing as everyone else’s.