Prejudice against age-gap couples

The last type of relationship we’re allowed to ridicule

By Emma Smisek

Any perceived violation of social norms provides substance for gossip, a superficial form of conversation based on subjective notions of what is considered shameful. The best substance, of course, often revolves around romantic relationships—especially ones that stick out. Gossip can be a way to bond with others who share the same harmful judgments, but there is a risk of being overheard by someone who can relate to whoever or whatever is being shamed. Being that someone, needless to say, hurts.

Lola, a friend of mine from work, is in a relationship that makes for an easy target of judgment: she is an undergraduate student who has been dating a man 19 years her senior for about three years. Our co-workers don’t know this, which is why, on one occasion, two of them were unaware that comments they made in her presence would sting. 

They were talking about a former U of M student, a girl in her late twenties, who was dating a man 12 years older than she was. They were appalled by this and by the fact that he was a professor. After all, she USED to be a student (but had never been one of his students). Although Lola wasn’t engaged in the conversation, and it wasn’t about her, she felt as though she had unwittingly been made the object of insult by proxy. 

It took her awhile to muster the courage to confront them, asking if they really thought that 12 years was too large of an age difference. She told them that her boyfriend was quite a bit older than she was and she didn’t find it shameful. There was an awkward pause before they attempted to mitigate the tension by claiming that the age difference wasn’t as much of a problem as the man’s status as a professor. This created an unbalanced power dynamic, they said, which made the relationship “wrong.”

This story has stuck with me in part because of its absurdity—a lot of people “used to be” students—but mostly because it is an example of the unique stigma that age-gap couples face. In our modern, Westernized society, forcing judgment upon inter-faith or inter-racial couples is generally frowned upon, and gay and lesbian couples have made great strides in cultivating societal acceptance. Judging and criticizing couples with large age differences, however, is usually accepted as something such relationships deserve and should expect.

Couples generally find that their relationships are strengthened by social support and external validation. When they have doubts or disputes, family and friends will be there to reinforce their faith in the relationship. Social disapproval, on the other hand, can place a heavy weight upon a relationship. Feeling the need to defend their relationship, limiting interactions with each other’s families, experiencing discomfort when talking about their relationship with others, and avoiding being seen together by people who know them can take a substantial toll. Age-gap couples already face numerous practical challenges inherent to their age difference, and unfortunately, social stigma is often an added obstacle. Even when criticisms are not fact-based, they can still become distressing statements to dwell on and internalize.

Why is it that pairs of consenting adults find their relationships under such harsh scrutiny? What do outsiders see?

First, it is not uncommon for age-gap couples to be initially confused as being a parent and son or daughter. This leaves an impact because most people have a strong aversion to incestuous relationships, and sometimes that initial judgment of couples being related can mean that the outsider will only be able to focus on this. They might even express their discomfort by saying, “he/she’s old enough to be your father/mother!” (Lola’s response to this has always been, “But... he’s not. That’s kind of an important distinction.”)

Second, social prejudices towards age-gap relationships are entwined with perceptions of inequality. People tend to assume that the younger individual is being exploited, that there are ulterior motives, or that the relationship is “exchange-based” (e.g., “she’s with only with him for his status and money, and he’s only with her for her youth”). This last judgment ignores the fact that all relationships involve the exchange of resources. When one partner loses their job, the other provides financial help; when one is sick, the other provides care; when one is sad, the other provides a shoulder to cry on. Also exchanged are social support, intimacy, companionship, trust, advice, and security. These resources aren’t distorted or eliminated by adding a decade or two between birth dates.

Perceptions of exploitation are also manifested in the story Lola overheard. Our co-workers spoke of an “unbalanced power dynamic,” as though they knew what they were talking about, or that they understood all the intricacies of the bond between two people they’d never met. Power is a core component of all relationships. The dogmatic assertion that both parties must be equal in every facet of life reflects a strange denial of power’s existence. The presence of a power imbalance does not imply the absence of equity. Small imbalances of power can be found in all relationships. It becomes a problem when they are used to violate boundaries and to exercise manipulation and exploitation. 

Relationships like Lola’s make people uncomfortable because age is one of the greatest and most overt power differentials. Power is viewed as occurring along the dimension of age, and the perceptions of age-gap relationships insist that because of this, it is easier for the older person to take advantage of the younger person. However, is this concern expressed by others truly based on “protecting” the younger individual? Or is it a reflection of their own discomfort?

When a relationship doesn’t make sense, assigning judgments and assuming ulterior motives becomes a way for outsiders to “figure it out.” “She has daddy issues,” “she’s only with him for his money,” “she wants status,” “he’s taking advantage of her,” “he’s having a midlife crisis and wants to feel young,” and “he’s only with her for the sex” are a few prevailing assumptions, but does the “why” really matter? The surface appearance of any relationship can’t and shouldn’t be relied upon as an accurate representation of motives that drive it, or of the deeper meanings, feelings, and connections that define it. And perhaps we can entertain the idea that maybe... just maybe... they’re with each other because they’re in love.