The Key to Love is Understanding

Dating in college: Why does it feel like calculus? 

By Kinga Mozes

I’ve never been one to shy away from romance. I believe in fate, love romantic comedies, and make playlists for my crushes. That’s why this semester I decided to put myself out there and try dating in the college atmosphere. Unfortunately, things did not go the way I thought they would. The problems boiled down to three main conflicts: the hyper-sexualization of women’s bodies, lack of communication, and hookup culture. 

Many of my potential suitors were guys I danced with at parties. It was fun to dance recklessly and forget the rest of the world existed. It was not so fun when I was repeatedly groped by strangers walking down the stairs, when I got called a ho for turning someone down, or when a drunk guy lingered in the corner trying to grab me. This is not a unique experience, which counters anyone claiming that the way I danced or was dressed was “asking for it.”  My friends have gotten so uncomfortable at parties that we decided to go home. 

Most people don’t want to admit how big of a problem this is, but in the United States, 23.1% of undergraduate female students experience rape or sexual harassment. Women are frequently hyper-sexualized to the point that they are seen as objects to be obtained or manipulated, and not as emotionally and sexually competent human beings. Thus, a relationship can’t form, because the foundation of respect is absent. 

What aggravates this is that romantic communication often starts electronically. Thanks to Tinder and other dating apps, the excitement of meeting someone attractive is watered down—the connection is forced and created by algorithms. Tinder’s use has almost tripled from 2013 to 2016, and has a Tinder U feature just for college students. The apps produce a one-dimensional view of others. Maybe that person you hooked up with has a cute laugh where they kind of snort, or a mutual obsession with Stranger Things, but you never gave them a chance. We’re all in such a rush to feel connected that we don’t pause and take the time to get to know the other person. These apps, and the notion that campus has an infinite number of options, has caused us to consume people in pieces and text messages.

These connections are often superficial, which closes us off to finding true love. I bet some of you read that and laughed, as love has slowly become as unrealistic as unicorns. In fact, “The American Psychological Association found that between 60 and 80% of North American college students have had a hookup, even though 63% of men and 83% of college women said they would prefer a traditional relationship.” Wanting a relationship doesn’t make someone weak; it makes them human. In Western culture, where individualism reigns, it’s become the norm to put off dating in order to pursue career goals, and there’s no problem with doing that. However, being loved can help us accomplish more of our goals, and it can make it more special when we get to share them with someone else. 

The reality is that building a relationship with someone takes more work than responding to a Snapchat. Sadly, lots of people can’t even do that. I had this notion that if I acted a certain way or did certain things, I would be accepted by the people I was interested in. But I’ve realized that perfection is unattainable and that there’s no need to be anyone but myself. 

I invite you to unsubscribe from hookup culture, unless you are able to get satisfaction from it. To me, it felt like it didn’t matter who I was; I felt like a temporary warm body. As someone who doesn’t give up easily, there was only so much my heart could take before I started to question my worth. 

Maybe you have no idea what I’m talking about and you are happily boo’d up planning for your future apartment. In that case, I am happy for you, and please send me photos. But maybe you have an idea of the empty feeling these encounters can leave you with. We can’t always control the way people treat us, but we can control our reactions, and I hope that you are able to carry yourself with dignity and remain vulnerable, despite any hurt you have been through. In the end, we all deserve to be loved.