Stable/Unstable

Balancing the highs and lows of you

By: Maddie Roth

There are days when you make me feel stable. When you kiss me and the world melts away. When you hold me and it feels like I am untouchable. When nothing on this planet could hurt me because you are mine. I fall into your ocean eyes and find shelter in them. You make me feel stable for the first time in a long time. 

But then there are days when you make me feel unstable. Everything hurts me and you are not there to protect me from the bullets being fired my way. You are not there to keep me safe and I am left to fend for myself. You leave me to fight a battle that you know I cannot win. You make me feel unstable for the first time in a long time. 

There are days when the sun shines onto our path. When I am yours and you are mine. When we are unstoppable, unbreakable to everything around us. It is just me and you, and when we are together, nothing else exists. Time stops to envy us and gives us the chance to fall in love. These are the days I live for. 

But then there are days when thunderstorms cloud our heads. When lightning takes a hold of you and I cannot distract you from the crackling bolts. You ignore me until my tear ducts are empty and the mascara is dripping down my cheeks. We are broken. Nothing can repair the damage and we are left to pick up the pieces of who we used to be.

There are days like these when I think there will be no more me and you. But then you flash your cracked pearls my way and I can feel my heart heal itself. We are okay again and the sun continues to shine. But I realize that the sun will settle into its grave once again and the thunderstorms will reappear. God, you make me feel so stable and unstable at the same time.

I cannot win with you. Nothing I do is enough to keep the sun above us. How do I compete with a shining star? I wish I could muster the strength to do it, but I am too weak and you are not there to support me. I cannot do this without you, and you know that but choose to not acknowledge it at all. 

This is it. I cannot make you stay when all you want to do is go. Please just leave and take the memories with you. I do not want them anymore. I do not want to remember the secrets we shared as sleep ran away from us. I do not want to remember the hunger behind every kiss. I do not want to remember how your hand fit perfectly in mine. It hurts too much to hold onto it all. Please, I beg you to take every memory of you with you when you go. I am not strong enough to hold onto them. 

You make me feel pathetic, and I refuse to keep feeling this way. You have stripped me of every ounce of self respect that I have within me. You make me feel as if I am nothing, but I am something. I have to remind myself that I am worth something, something more than this. I deserve better than this. I deserve better than you. 

You told me you did not want to hurt me because you know how painful a broken heart can be. Yet I gave you my heart only for you to abolish it completely. I give up; you win. You make me feel unstable, and I cannot do this with you anymore. I need to put myself first so that I can feel stable, and you do not make me feel that way anymore.