Sologamy: The Act of Marrying Yourself

Love yourself and put a ring on it

By Erica Bouska

Self-love is vital for good mental health, but some people take it one step further with self-marriage. The act of marrying yourself, called sologamy, can either be in spirit, or in a ceremony fit with a ring, wedding clothes, and a first kiss, said Sophie Tanner. 

Tanner, sologamist and author of “Reader, I Married Me!,” said some people associate sologamy with vanity, seeking adoration, or narcissism. But, she argues, it helps develop a sense of self-worth that deepens the capacity for human connection.

“Self-weddings are not an indulgent fanfare of selfies and bling,” she said. “Sologamy is committing to truly love yourself and, as a result, become more emotionally available to accept and understand others.”

And, as Tanner said, sologamy doesn’t mean someone rejects relationships or is critical of couples. They are setting standards of a good relationship for themselves and not settling down because it’s their only life path available.

Though sologamy isn’t just for single people, social psychologist and happily single person Bella DePaulo said she sees the appeal. In 2017, DePaulo gave a TedTalk about being single and the happiness she and others have found in their single relationships.

In it, DePaulo talks about a survey of college students that asked what they believed happiness levels are for single people versus married couples. On a scale of 1-10, the students ranked the happiness level for single people around three. But for married couples, they placed it at about eight and a half. 

However, researchers found on average that the happiness level for single people before and after they were married stayed about the same, if they stayed married. DePaulo said that in the same study, researchers found that people who didn’t stay married ended up less happy than they were when they were single. But for sologomists, Tanner said, divorce isn’t an option. 

Tanner said that there are times when single-person relationships aren’t great, but that’s how it is with any relationship. Someone can neglect themselves or break their self-promises, but that doesn’t mean their life is over.

“You will let yourself down and you will behave in a way that you’re ashamed of,” she said. “Just because you’ve married yourself, it doesn’t mean you’re some kind of smug saint who can do no wrong. You have vowed to face your disappointments and accept your failures and the key is to constantly try to improve.”

Jenilyn made the commitment to herself in a small ceremony with friends in 2018. She described it as starting her life fresh as someone interested in happiness, love, and healing.

“A lot of clichés come to mind,” she said, “but it’s true that you have to ‘love yourself first,’ like putting on your oxygen mask before you help someone else.”

Though she said she won’t be marrying herself, DePaulo echoed the sentiment in a 2017 Washington Post article. The ritual of self-love is significant, she wrote, because not everyone has or needs to find “the one.”

“You can articulate what’s important to you, and then vow to live by those values, in the presence of the significant people in your life,” DePaulo wrote. “You should feel just as entitled to celebrate your life as couples do to celebrate theirs.”

And sologamy is not just for women. Tanner, who is from the United Kingdom, said that men in the UK commit suicide three times as much as women. She said that highlights their need for self-care and self-worth especially in a culture that doesn’t allow them to be as emotionally open.

Guiseppe said “I do” to himself recently. He said he’s spent so much time trying to please others and being insecure about his future while he looked for “the one.” But now, he said he’s using that time and energy on himself.

“This is my time,” he wrote on an Instagram post last month. “This doesn’t mean I don’t have any less love for those surrounding me, it’s just time for me to focus on finding more love for myself.”

Tanner said she knows some people think it’s crazy because it’s outside the box. However, she assures people that they won’t regret it. 

“When you’re marrying yourself, you’re not harming anyone,” she said. “‘Hey, remember that day I danced through the sunny streets of Brighton and promised to value myself forever in front of everyone I love? Wish I hadn’t done that.’ As if.”