The Little Things in Life

Losing yourself in the make-believe.

By Lila Swedzinski

Hyperfixation is staring intently at the handle of my hallway closet as my best friend laces up her shoes. I can’t look her in the eye, but I can investigate this handle. It is a circular, metal indentation, perfect for sliding the door open and closed. What if I used it to open the door, sink down, and hide inside for a little while?

As my vision clouds the longer I look at this handle, it becomes easier to ignore what is eating at my soul. The handle is a murky, dreamlike escape that requires my full attention or else I risk it disappearing with the snap of a finger, thrusting me back into reality. The world I create is make-believe; I can be anyone I want — why would I give that up?

Hyperfixation is pulling at the loose thread on the sleeve of your favorite sweater because it doesn’t look right. The sweater might unravel, but at least it will happen sooner rather than later. I pick sooner. I pull at each and every thread until I have reached the outcome I was so afraid of in the first place — the difference now is that I am in control. Hyperfixation is a double-edged sword, giving me comfort when I need it most, but cutting me off just as I start to feel peace. As I resurface, I realize how much harder it is to live my life now that I’m real again.

So how do I tell her what I’m thinking? Well, it’s simple: I don’t. Sometimes it’s the little things that matter most. So I give her a hug and let her go instead.