“Sonic the Hedgehog”

By Kinga Mozes

The theater was packed, considering it was Valentine's Day and that the movie playing was none other than “Sonic the Hedgehog.” 

Although the animators recreated Sonic after some heated backlash on Twitter, the blue-dog-mixed-with-Grinch end result was... disturbing. Voiced by Ben Schwartz, a.k.a. Jean-Ralphio from “Parks and Recreation,” it was impossible to tell Sonic’s age. According to the video game, he is supposed to be fifteen, which makes sense, since Schwartz is forty.

The movie was a never-ending chase scene to escape Dr. Robotnick, played by Jim Carrey. Carrey is a masterful comedian, but you could tell through his eyeliner that he was not having it. His performance fell flat and wasn’t enough to make up for the multiple scenes of Sonic flossing. 

Despite my lack of amusement, the audience seemed mesmerized. At one point, someone behind me was wheezing, and it felt like the laughter was auto-generated. I overlooked the existence of a Sonic fandom; it felt like I was being left out of a 101-minute-long inside joke.

The movie’s saving grace was the sexual tension between Sonic and Tom, which shined brightest when they were throwing darts and square dancing together. Tom was played by James Marsden, the guy who got curved by Rachel in “The Notebook.” I guess it worked out since he and Sonic seemed happy together. Thankfully, Lil Yachty and Ty Dolla $ign made a song just for this movie that played during the credits, and there will definitely be a sequel.