Madame Web

Madame Web leaves cobwebs

BY JACOB NELSON

Now, I’m not clairvoyant or anything like Madame Web is but I can and can’t foresee why this movie has failed so hard in the box office.

A flashback to the Peruvian Amazon in 1973 reveals an extremely pregnant Constance (Kerry Bishé) searching for a rare breed of spider that’s known for its healing properties. Although the pacing of the movie is blissfully breezy, “Madame Web” was a game of cat and mouse. Cassie (Dakota Johnson) discovers that she can see the future—allowing for the re-living of events with multiple chances to get it right many times—which makes way for what could have been an interesting plot.

Now it isn't Cassie’s impatience as a constantly on-the-go paramedic who must become the reluctant protector of these annoying teens: shy Julia (Sydney Sweeney) bookish Anya (Isabela Merced) and rebellious Mattie (Celeste O’Connor) that bogs it down. In fact, it was the ignorant and uninteresting villain with a weak character arc and lesser motive. In addition, Madame Web’s thread to her web falls short with young spider women heroines by limiting their hero identities to a single recurring nightmare action scene reduced to 5 minutes. They don’t really get origin stories for these three at all in the movie nor do they acquire their powers or costumes in this story. Instead, it’s the big, abrupt, noisy action sequences combined with an endless defenseless chase that makes it spiral even further. Not to mention her unhinged press tour lying about knowing a single Tom Holland “Spider-Man” film and her being allergic to limes - lime queen!