“Local Dad Still Cites Justin Bieber as the Face of Cultural Downfall”

Let it go, dad

By: Kelsey Bolander

Calling him “a plague on the American cultural fabric,” local Mahtomedi dad, Jeff Sims, is railing on Justin Bieber again, as he has steadily since the Canadian pop star’s 2008 single release, “One Time.”

Struggling to find a suitable station during the school commute, Sims seizes the opportunity to indict a generation for their outmoded musical proclivities, with his children still within the confines of his car. “I don’t even know how to reach him anymore,” says his daughter Ellie Sims wistfully. “I’ve tried explaining to him that Bieber hasn’t released a full length EP since Purpose in 2015, and aside from the occasional feature and his lowkey marriage, people my age rarely think about him anymore until his holiday bops resurface every winter.”

Sims hopes to imbue his progeny with the same appreciation for complexity and lyricism that he has cultivated in his own musical taste. “What I wouldn’t give to see this generation express an interest for something with a little depth!” he says. “It wouldn’t kill them to shake the Bieber hair out of their eyes and listen to some Cake every once and awhile.”

His hypermasculine preoccupation with the “Baby” singer can’t even be fazed long enough to expose him to low culture’s newest Justin, Justin Roberts of Team 10 fame.

“I don’t even want to show him 6ix9ine or Lil Xan at this point,” said Sims’ eldest daughter, Alexis, shaking her head. “I don’t think he’d be able to handle it. It’s probably for the best that we cut our losses and let him hold onto Bieber.”

When asked about his outlook for the future, Sims has some hope, and is reportedly taking his children to his tenth Wilco show this spring, “Oh I almost forgot—don’t even get me started on One Direction…”.