Being Nowhere
Coping with Loneliness and Notes from an Introvert
By: Sommer Wagen
Coming into college, at least one person has probably told you that what lies ahead are “the best days of your life.” But have you ever spent those days sitting alone in your dorm, watching strangers on the Internet while distant laughter and conversation leak through your headphones, feeling a pit in your stomach grow bigger and bigger? I know I have. I felt it when I didn’t go to a Welcome Week event under the assumption that my new friends were going to do something way cooler and more fun, only for me to then sit in my room alone the whole night. Granted, I got to video chat with my twin, but they’re 500 miles away. The thought of the experiences I wasn’t having and the friends I wasn’t making crept silently around the edge of my brain; I was paranoid that I was somehow already having the “wrong” college experience. But here I am, two weeks later, and I still have those friends. That funny feeling is known as the Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO), and it has affirmed itself as yet another digital age detriment to our mental health. I can assure you that if you have ever felt this way, you’re not alone, even if it feels like you are.
As college students, we’re expected to balance studying and socializing, not only for companionship in the present, but for advantageous connections in the future. If you’re brand new to the area around campus, or you have personal obstacles such as shyness or social anxiety, you may feel the pressure to participate and make friends even more. In such a demanding system, time dedicated to doing nothing should feel as restorative as it sounds, so why does it feel so wrong when we do take that time? So many things are demanded of us in college; it’s important that we’re patient and compassionate with ourselves when it comes to socializing and setting aside time for ourselves.
Before we can accept being alone, we need to confront why we’re so uncomfortable with it. Now, if it’s possible to be chronically online, I’d say I’m the opposite: chronically out-of-the-loop. When the pitch for this story was presented, I had to look up the definition of FOMO. When the search result popped up, a previously indescribable feeling suddenly had a name and description: “anxiety that an exciting or interesting event may be happening elsewhere, often aroused by posts on social media.” That last detail implies FOMO’s uniqueness to generation Z, and combined with the challenges of college, it creates a perfect storm. Imagine you’re alone in your dorm. You’re bored and you open social media. You see people’s posts of their best, most stylish, and most social selves and you wish that were you. You ask yourself, “Should that be me?” “Could that be me?” I believe that this boredom-to-FOMO pipeline is exacerbated by the instant gratification we expect from social media. This, in turn, creates anxiety when we’re nowhere doing nothing for no reason in particular. Although it’s designed to connect us, social media also has the ability to completely isolate us. In spite of all this, we don’t have to associate being alone with desolation.
It’s easy to tell yourself and others to simply stop feeling a certain way, but we all know that doesn’t make us feel any better. I don’t intend to do that with this piece. I’ve heard that a better way to cure a fear is exposure therapy. This means getting in close contact with what you’re afraid of. Taking in the neutral or even positive experience can assuage the anxiety you have about that thing. So when you feel like staying in, try to make the most of your time alone. When you start to feel anxious, finally do that thing you’ve been meaning to do for a while. Enjoy your favorite comfort media, that one book, movie, or show that completely brings you in. In a world where productivity is the main judgement of value, simply relaxing and enjoying your favorite things is a radical act. Perhaps most importantly, be patient with yourself; you can’t give your time and energy to others if you don’t give any to yourself.