Everyone Gets It But Me

What Am I Missing?

BY BIANCA LLERENA

There is a good chance that all of the time I spent alone in my room during middle school listening to strange music, writing angsty poetry, sketching self-portraits and treating journaling like a chain smoker might with their cigarettes chemically altered something inside of my brain. Almost as if I missed the ending of a blockbuster movie, I entered high school confused. Does everyone feel like they have to try this hard?

While I thrived in spirited solitude, my primary socialization came from movies, TV shows, and books. Although this existence seemed fulfilling in the moment, it was perhaps not the healthiest path to follow. Navigating the social groups and cliques of high school, I began to feel a growing sense of alienation, as if I were missing out on something that everyone else seemed to understand. I felt so vividly aware.

Over time, I found like-minded souls and experimented with various passions, gradually shedding the shadow of overthinking. However, there are moments when that familiar feeling resurfaces, leaving me with the sense that I'm not quite grasping something, although I can't pinpoint what that something is. Sometimes, I look around and feel like everyone else knows how to be "normal" while I'm consciously trying to fit in.

In the end, it all just goes back to the comforting default of being in my own head. It’s just so peaceful and safe up there. But to evolve and allow yourself to open up to intimate relationships, it’s best to keep the butterfly of self-isolation in a jar on the shelf. I still treasure my talks alone, and I always will, but I’ve found that walking a balanced line heeds healthier results and a more nuanced perspective. With practice, occasionally releasing the butterfly from its jar adds a touch of whimsy to the masterpiece of connection. My journal entries have never been more interesting.