17 Ways to Leave Your Lover

Breakups aren’t supposed to be easy, but they’re not supposed to be cruel either.

By Dez Ulrich with art by Brooke Lambrecht

1.Say your futures don’t align anymore.
Two years, four months, ten days–that’s how long you’ve been with your partner. Only, a couple of weeks ago you realized you weren’t counting down to your anniversary but a point of freedom. 

2. Give the “I need space” talk.
Love lasting is an idealistic concept that works for some people; however, the odds of never breaking up or being broken up with are slim. I admit, I have broken up with and been broken up with.

3. Get with their best friend or sibling.
And you would think that with over eight billion people on this planet, humanity would have found the perfect way to break up with someone. Perfection is a false construct, when there are feelings involved–to any degree–it will never be flawless. 

4. Ghost or block them. Maybe change your number.
Even if it’s “mutual,” someone always has a photo soaked in happy memories dropping from their bag or a new lover they subconsciously compare to their old one. Perhaps there is truth to the saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” or perhaps long distance just isn’t meant for everyone. 

5. Strand them on vacation (without a passport).
If there is overexposure then believe me when I say there is also underexposure. When someone’s love language is quality time or physical touch, smiling through a screen into each other’s pixelated eyes will never feel the same as when it all started and you could hold hands or go out on lunch dates.

6. Explain how you’re not ready for a relationship anymore, it’s not them.
Different people have different ways to break up with someone and if you’re like the boys in my building, you might have drastic pieces of advice for breaking up with someone. Even so, I know they would never hit someone with a car and leave them paralyzed just as I know how hard it can be to think of the most realistic way you see yourself leaving someone.

7. Fake your death. (Be willing to leave everything behind).
If there is one thing I understand the most, it’s leaving a long-term relationship and needing to completely remove yourself from the world. (And yes, even breaking up with someone leaves you affected somehow.)

8. Take them on a picnic and tell them you want to break up: calmly, nicely.
While eating ice cream on the couch cursing out men disappointing their lovers on television or crying over stupid girls, is understandable, let it only last a couple of days. Don’t let it consume you. 

9. Accuse them of cheating (jealous issues)
And remember, it’s normal to want to leave. Go see the world or– just go see the garden you always walk past.

10. Hide their EpiPen or insulin.
I’m not going to give you advice or suggestions on when to break up with someone or why you should. If you’re responsible enough to be in a relationship, you’re responsible enough to know why you want to break up and when. 

11. Admit to cheating.
Not at the wedding, leaving them at the altar. Not with a jumbotron at their favorite sports game.

12. Valentine’s Day Break Up Bear.
When leaving someone, the least you can do is make it private. Even if your worlds are so intricately intertwined and you share a friend group–drama will definitely ensue.

13. Leave and tell them to “deal”
Only, that does not mean you have to encourage or engage. Break up with your lover before breaking up the group.

14. Have your friend dump them.
In short, there are hundreds of ways to “leave your lover.” However, not all of them are good options.

15. Be “un-date-able”
And if you were looking for the ultimate advice column with this article, I’m sorry if I disappointed you. I write to be blunt and engaging.

16. Via text message.
All these different tips came from anonymous sources–not just me. A majority of them have actually happened.

17. Be honest.
Tell them you lost feelings, can’t be in a relationship anymore. Whatever you say will hurt or affect them in some way. Even if they don’t show it.

So when it comes to your way to leave your lover, make sure you pick a good one.

Wake Mag