Things I Endured Before 20

it takes guts to get out of the ruts

grace bingle

Tomorrow, I will lay my teen years to rest and embrace adulthood. My birthday resides in the months where the leaves change, just as one’s life does. This year my motto has been “Blame it on being 19.” I once heard someone say “19 is the worst year of a person’s life.” I disagree with that statement because the bitter years of high school exist. I will say though, 19 has been my most influential year yet. The week I turned 19 I was going through a breakup after recently moving to a city two hours from home. I look back and I cringe on how heartbroken I was. Maybe it was the limerence of young love. Or maybe it was just the agony of love.

I got into a new friend group where I felt like a misplaced item. A lot of my hair fell out due to depression, bad decisions, and a cheap box of bleach. To endure is to suffer but come out alive. Suffering can be addictive because it’s reliable if you don’t attempt to change anything. If nothing changes, one becomes comfortable—comfortable in their suffering. Becoming self aware was my first step to getting out of that trying time.

After the darkness came light. My light was Carol, a girl who had just moved from Pakistan. She became the older sister I needed as an unsure freshman. I became the sister she needed in a place she had no family. She introduced me to her friends. We became a friend group that resembled a skyline. Everyone was so weird… in a beautiful way. Not all the things I endured before my 20th birthday were completely bad, just experiences that conditioned who I am. At the end of a tunnel there is a light that never goes out.