Flower Girl

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Ivana Reategui

Have you ever been told you're “too much”? I have. My entire life, I’ve never liked sitting still. Silence made me uncomfortable, as if the moment the room went quiet, my overwhelming thoughts would start creeping in. And so I talked, I found ways to say the silent things, I found ways to make the room laugh. My best friends would describe me as a high-spirited person, but when I look at myself, I can see beyond that, the depth, like a layered onion that just never stops peeling.

I am someone who feels things too deeply. I am someone who is guided by emotion, whose soul yearns for true connection. I am someone who loves to love, who hates conflict, who will pour their heart into everything. In short, I am someone who is too aware of who they are. I know every single layer there is to me, and that in many ways is a blessing, a gift that many don't get to experience. Being painfully self-aware comes with the burden of knowing when you've done the right thing and when you haven't; It comes with the realization that no matter how others see you, no matter how much you try to change certain habits, that they're there to stay because they are part of who you are.

Every little encounter or conversation, I feel it. I feel everything too deep, I love too early, too much. I do and say things out of instinct, I follow my heart and gut over my brain. In a way, I feel as if I'm wired to care. I like that about me. I’d like to think I see people. And I think that comes from being able to see myself. One of the things I've struggled with the most in my young adulthood is love. I'm not simply talking about romantic love, but the love of everyone around me, including the one towards myself. There's days I wake up and I want to stay put. I want to be in the moment, I want to be me to the fullest. There’s other days I move forward, as if there was this inevitable pull that kept me from staying put.

When I'm sad or anxious, I like to close my eyes and envision myself in the woods. It's sunny outside, that type of sunny that could almost burn your eyes. There's a lake in front of me, the reflection of the sun makes it look golden, yet I know it's a simple body of water. It doesn't matter. I am happy. I start walking towards the lake, and I look down at my feet and see flowers blooming after every step I take. That's where I feel like myself the most.

My favorite thing in the world is flowers. If you could see my room right now, you couldn't find a single corner or wall without the hint of a flower. I also know flowers aren't eternal, that eventually they die. And when they do, you simply get new ones. I try to think of myself, or at least my mistakes, as flowers. Not because I can easily move on, but because there will always be a picture of them in the corner of my mind, like in my room. However, I understand that flowers bloom every day, and I’d rather that corner be still beautiful. Not perfect, but beautiful nonetheless.

There's so much about myself that I love. And I've met people that disagree. I've struggled with accepting that my whole life. Feeling unaccepted, the odd one out. The only person of color or only woman in a room. Those are things that still scare me, and I understand that maybe those fears will never go away. What I love about flowers the most, is that even though they die in such a short span of time, when they live, they get to be beautiful. So loved by people they don't even know. People like me who pass down the street and admire their beauty. And even though their lives are short, they are loved by the environment, always growing uniquely. They're not aware they exist, but we are, symbolizing love, affection, and care. I think that the reason I can look down and see flowers bloom in my happy place, is because I know that as small as it may be, my impact in the world and those around me is not only real, but it matters, and that’s a beautiful feeling. That brings me back to the beginning, being “too much”. Because as long as I am able to make someone's day with a joke, with a smile, and a reminder of the love I have for them, I am okay with that being part of who I am.