Pivoting

Don’t let shame direct your life

Ashley Sudeta

Despite all the dreams I’ve scrapped while in college, I reject the idea that I’ve “given up” on any of them. I don’t believe there’s an alternate universe version of myself that’s an engineer or a lawyer, and I definitely don’t think I killed them by changing my course. This is my life. It belongs to me, not these fictional “successful” versions of myself. Each decision I make is informed by what I learn about myself over time. I’m not stamping out possibilities, I’m simply pivoting.

In August I made the difficult decision to postpone applying to law school. My mental health took a harsh dive over the summer—the kind that put me behind in my application timeline by months. At this point I had already heavily researched the application process, taken the LSAT, compiled a list of schools, and even planned who I would ask to write letters of recommendation. After all this preparation, choosing to stray from this roadmap felt odd, but the promise to return helped it feel forgivable.

However, recognizing that law school wasn’t a good fit for me and ending my pursuit of it felt shameful. I’m not a competitive person, and my struggles managing depression and ADHD make higher education more challenging than it would otherwise be for me. Most importantly, I realized that my passion didn’t lie specifically in becoming a lawyer, but rather in pursuing any career that would allow me to make a positive impact in the world. I still believe I would be capable of earning a law degree if I really put myself to it, but I ultimately don’t think it would be worth the stress.

Amid today’s hustle culture, it feels like we’re encouraged to be endlessly ambitious purely for optics. However, I feel we should strive to be more mindful about our choices. Are they grounded in our real dreams, values, and capabilities or are they built on ideas of what we “should” do? Remember, this life is yours, and you’re allowed to change courses when your gut tells you it’s time.