8 Things Meghan Markle Can’t Do as a Royal

The Truth About Becoming A Member of Britain's Most Elite Family

By: Adam Leligdon and Tala Alfoqaha

This issue of The Wake marks the six month anniversary of Meghan Markle’s royal marriage to Prince Harry. To celebrate the holy union of our favorite ex-compatriot and monarchist, we dug through the royal handbook to create a comprehensive list of all the things that Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex, can no longer do:

1) Cross legs or wear pants in pants in public

Understandably, royal decorum deems the act of possessing legs for women to be improper.

2)   Single Handedly Declare Nuclear War on a Sovereign Nation

To follow the royal family’s policy on personal nuclear disarmament, Meghan was forced to relieve herself of her modest arsenal of nuclear warheads.

3)  Hang out with the Pope

The fair Dutchess of Sussex recently had to bid farewell to her long-time tennis partner, Pope Francis, due to the royal family’s longstanding beef with the Catholic church.

4)  Vote

Contrary to popular belief,  the Dutchess is able to maintain her American voting rights, however the royal dress code forbids her from donning the iconic “I voted sticker,” rendering the act of voting pointless by every measure.

5)  Present a Royal House Elf with Clothing

With the recent shrinkage of the house elf market, the Queen has been extra-protective of the remaining family heirlooms. Her vigilance has only increased since sweet Princess Charlotte accidentally relieved the royal family’s long time house elf, Nigel III, by presenting His Servitude with her Sunday bonnet.

6)  Continue Acting

This came as a big disappointment to all several fans of Hallmark Channel’s hit TV Movie When Sparks Fly when they discovered that she could not reprise her role as leading lady Amy Peterson in the upcoming sequel, Even More Sparks. 

7)  Go to the Indoor Trampoline Park, Skyzone

8)  Use google

Always one for the risky investment, reports tell us that the queen is still holding out hope that her search engine loyalty contract with Bing! will pay off soon.