What’s Eating Doris Eldritch?

The truth behind UMN’s most mysterious professor

By: Michael McGough

Dr. Doris Eldritch, one of the University of Minnesota’s esteemed professors of psychology, has a dark secret. This may come as no surprise to many students. The mysterious professor holds office hours and appointments at McDonald’s, so only the teacher’s pets are allowed in her office. For decades, students have wondered what she’s hiding. Does she live in her office? Is she a hoarder? Well, the truth is far more incriminating.

The Wake received the following email last week: 

“Recently, I went to Dr. Eldritch’s office to discuss a PSY 1001 test. I didn’t know that she meets students at McDonald’s because I didn’t read the syllabus. The door was unlocked, so I let myself in. My eyes were not prepared to see Eldritch’s abomination of an office. The bookshelves were packed with novelty cat paraphernalia. There were mugs, stuffed animals, clocks, etc. There was not a single book in sight. Posters of kittens covered the walls. On the ceilingwas a poster depicting Garfield’s head photoshopped onto Jason Momoa’s shirtless body. Within seconds, my tongue was coated in cat hair. No wonder Eldritch coughs so much. She’s probably hacking up hairballs. Suddenly, everything about Eldritch made sense. I thought she wore those sweaters with cats on them ironically. She’s not self-aware and hip. She’s earnest! The room was spinning. I noticed a cat sitting in her desk chair, staring at me condescendingly. I slowly backed out of the room then ran away. My classmates need to hear this story, but I can’t jeopardize my grade. I need my anonymity. Please publish my story in UMN’s premier student publication, The Wake.” 

This brave student entrusted us, an even braver magazine, to copy and paste the email into an article with minimal commentary. The student body deserves to see the true face of their University. Here it is, folks, and it has scratches all over it.