Dunder Mifflin to be UMN’s Official Paper Supplier

Kaler fell for Dwight Schrute’s persuasive sales pitch

By: Hannah Haakenson

The University of Minnesota has no shortage of paper. From flyers advertising different student groups to the 13-page syllabi given out on the first day of class, the U is constantly using paper day in and day out. Therefore, Dunder Mifflin was the clear choice to be the new paper supplier for the entire University. 

Some of you may be wondering what happened to our last paper provider. Many professors recently made it mandatory that their TAs have the students print out every paper that is assigned, as well as distributing a syllabus that is at least ten pages in length. This sudden influx of paper was too much for the previous provider, Paper Great, to handle, so Kaler was forced to look to sources outside the Midwest, and he stumbled upon a little paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania.

Dunder Mifflin has been on a mission to expand their paper distribution beyond the northeast area. Regional Manager, Michael Scott, sent Assistant (to the) Regional Manager, Dwight Schrute, to make the sale. With his briefcase packed with his throwing stars, black belt, and a few documents, Dwight set out to make the sale of his lifetime. During his meeting with Kaler, Dwight preached about Dunder Mifflin’s impeccable customer service, handed over his house key along with four different numbers he could be reached at, and a classy mixtape that included “Kickstart My Heart” and “Crash into Me.” Kaler was swooned by Dwight’s intimidation and assertiveness, and he quickly signed Dunder Mifflin as the U’s newest paper provider. “It was something about the way he handed me his house key and promised to be there for me day or night that sealed the deal,” Kaler admitted. “Right after the meeting, I went out and bought a matching mustard yellow shirt.”

Although a new paper supplier isn’t front page newsworthy, it did create a stir among the students. “Now every time I get handed a sheet of paper in class, I am going to hold it up to the light to make sure there is no crazy watermark like last time,” Ben, a junior at the U, stated. “What do you get when you have a beloved cartoon duck and a cartoon mouse?” Jamie asked. “A really obscene watermark!”

Let’s hope that Creed is taking his job more seriously with quality assurance because we don’t want another watermark incident—imagine what Bucky and Goldy would do together…