Flex on Sally’s

Sally Saloon’s new partnership will make Friday night that much better

By: Emma Chekroun

*NOTE SATIRE NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY*

Check your bag and science homework at the door—Sally’s Saloon is now taking FlexDine! The bar and restaurant have been working with the University of Minnesota Dining Services to establish a balanced food pyramid for students consisting of wings and rail alcohol. However, this is the end for the brand crossover. Soon, the tunnels of Territorial Hall and Centennial Hall will lead to the basement of Sally’s Saloon. For students who have witnessed firsthand the construction around the dorms, it came as a surprise to know the crews were not there improving the streets or adding new buildings but adding another underground tunnel. 

Thirsty Thursdays and Girls’ Nights are going to get even better as the Minnesota winter sets in and students have less ground to cover between isopropyl vodka shots and puking in Territorial Hall’s potted plants. “It’s lit,” Cameron, a communications major and pledge to the Alpha Alpha Alpha sorority, said. “Now I don’t have to pretend my thin Forever 21 denim jacket is keeping me warm when I go out in my Gopher tube top.”

FlexDine isn’t the only way students can save money. For a limited time, to commemorate the new partnership, the University is offering a discount on FlexDine when you bundle your meal plan with a fake ID. Students will no longer have to worry about having their credit card information stolen by skeevy fake ID sites, and they can sleep easy knowing that, as usual, the only organization stealing their money is the University. 

“Thank God!” Chad, a student at the Carlson School of Management said. “It was getting hard finding excuses to ask my parents for money. I mean, you can only ask for cash to buy so many Patagonia’s before your parents get suspicious.”

For students who don’t fear their parents knowing where that $100 check from Grandma goes, there are still advantages. “My mom used to have to drive all the way from Wisconsin just to drop off a box of Franzia,” Emily, a student at the University’s design school, said. “But now my mom can rest easy, knowing I have a way to get faded after my midterms.” 

But what does this mean for CAs and security guards hired by the University to prevent underage drinking in the dorms? When asked about concerns over the new policy, John, a security guard at Territorial Hall, said guards have always known about underage drinking. “I mean, no one comes back from calc stumbling and reeking of Budweiser, no matter how hard the test was,” he said. 

For CAs, the change has been welcomed. “I haven’t slept in seven days,” Brie, a CA for Centennial Hall, said. “I work three extra jobs; I don’t know if I’m awake, much less if 18-year-olds are wasted. Sally’s drinks are watered down anyways. If my residents really want to get crunk, the popular ones know where I live.”