Attending Death Cafes
Breaking the stigma of death one tea at a time
By Quinn McClurg
Are you comfortable with the concept of death? Have you, dear reader, come to terms with your own eventual death? What does dying mean to you? These are questions many of us will confront but are often too scared to ask given their uncomfortable and upsetting nature. Encouraging these conversations, though, is what death cafes seek to assist in. Hosted all over the world, death cafes provide safe and comfortable environments to confront mortality. Here, professionals and citizens alike gather with no set agenda to discuss death, dying, and grief in free-flowing conversation. Having caught wind of a death cafe myself, I decided to attend one hosted by Lakewood Cemetery in Minneapolis. Admission was free and the conversation was easy, and as the night went on, I became immersed in a world that I had no idea existed. These are the people who attend death cafes and these are their stories.
From her careers as a professional counsellor and licensed psychedelic-assisted therapist, Kristen Paradise has developed an understanding of grief paralleled by few others. Kristen works for the Institute for Integrative Therapies, a psychedelic therapy and advocacy clinic in Saint Paul. Here she helps those suffering with grief, trauma, and hopelessness through the legal administration of ketamine. She has been trained in nearly every facet of mortality, grief, and the dying process. She believes what is learned from death can be applied to many different aspects of life, such as the ending of relationships, friendships, or even careers. “Grief is very transitional, it forces you to slow down and recalibrate your identity,” Kristen said. “We must keep going and learn to let go and live.”
Given her belief that Western culture fosters negative feelings around death, Kristen seeks to dissolve these stigmas whenever she can. “It’s not scary or awful, it’s just a result of the culture. A lot of people are starting to see not being sad around death as a new concept.” To dispel these stigmas, Kristen takes special care to reinforce how natural death is, and that grieving can be seen as a celebration of life. She believes that through memory, tradition, and recollection we may find healthy ways to love and celebrate our dearly departed.
Next, I had an opportunity to converse with a certified death midwife, who asked to remain anonymous. “At first, my friends assumed I would be helping the family cope through the dying process, but I actually come to the patient at the 11th hour,” she said. As a death midwife, she specializes in taking care of those who are about to pass, helping with every need, providing every comfort, and assisting them in having a beautiful and fulfilling experience when dying. She describes the experience: “There is no honor like it, it’s deeply personal. It’s a beautiful experience.” She believes that death is nothing to be afraid of and, if anything, it puts life into perspective a lot better. “I feel it makes me hold the ones I love closer, and it makes me live more fully. Every moment you’re alive is beautiful.”
Finally, I spoke with Amanda Luke, Lakewood Cemetery’s events coordinator. Working at a museum previously, the cemetery was quite the transition. “At first there was this stigma that people thought I’d be out here with a shovel, but people who work with death professionally are always very loving and nice.” In hosting these death cafes, Amanda strives for comfortability and honesty. She says that most people drawn to these events are curious or fearful or still grieving, but no matter the reasons they come, she is always happy to welcome them with open arms. “I like to listen the most. There are always new things to hear,” Amanda said. As a staple of the local community, Amanda expressed her excitement for more in-person events at Lakewood Cemetary and more opportunities to see familiar faces.
Grieving, death, and dying are never easy concepts, but death cafes only provide comfort and help in finding acceptance with these inevitabilities. Though they may seem morbid at first, death cafes prove to encourage natural, safe, and respectful communication through guidance of professionals and the comfort of peers. So, if we must confront these questions eventually, we should confront them in a safe environment, thus I cannot recommend death cafes enough. After all, death is an integral part of our lives and the sooner we accept it, the sooner we can stop fearing it and the sooner we can live.