My Life is Wherever I Am
Being Content With Yourself
BY DEVNA PANDA
In a world of Instagram stories chronicling each and every highlight of other people’s lives, it becomes not only possible but unwittingly easy to know the intimate details of the lives of individuals on the mere periphery of one’s social circle. As such, it is inevitable to find oneself engaging in the constant comparison that the social media generation is plagued by. Moreover, the experience of feeling that you have to do and be all things at once begins creeping in; you must have a bubbling social life, advance your academic and professional career, appreciate art and culture, and maintain niche and “quirky” interests all while documenting yourself doing the above in a lively manner. When these feelings start to overshadow your narrative, how do you take a step back and remind yourself of what genuinely makes you happy?
I often find myself crafting my actions based on other people’s perceptions. In conversation, I find myself adopting a certain tone or echoing other people’s thoughts to feel a sense of acceptance. An interaction is a performance of sorts, and I judge my success based on the other person’s reaction. It can be increasingly difficult to be myself when I value the other person’s perception of me more than ensuring I feel comfortable and genuine. Outside of interaction, this feeling extends to experiences as well. Sometimes when I am having a particular experience, whether it be attending an event or visiting a new country, I already notice myself rehearsing how I will recount the experience or focusing on what photos I will share rather than being fully present in the moment.
Only recently, when I participated in an exchange in Budapest last spring, I started to feel a shift between living for other people’s expectations and living for myself. In Budapest, I was not surrounded by the individuals who characterize my daily life on campus. I was separated from my usual life by both time and space; people at home would know as much about my experience as I decided to tell them, and I didn’t have to tell them a single thing if I didn’t wish to. With school being less rigorous, I could make time for the aspects of life that often feel more worthwhile such as cooking, reading, going on walks, and traveling.
Outside of my usual friend circle and routine, I found myself spending a majority of my time alone or in the company of just one or two people. Albeit lonely at times, this experience was also liberating. Prior to living abroad, I had become someone who needed to be surrounded by other people or make plans on a Friday or Saturday night in fear that being by myself would cause dreary thoughts and questions to creep into my mind. When an adventure presented itself, I would force myself to rally even when I was exhausted because I was worried about what opportunity or adventure I might potentially miss out on.
Yet in Budapest, I grew used to being in my own company, considering new recipes to try and new places to explore. I learned about the self-reliance that Ralph Waldo Emerson was so fond of, and the initial fear of being alone in a new city slowly made way for pride regarding my own selfsufficiency.
Fast forward to the autumn of 2023 as I am back in my natural habitat. I have found I have matured in certain ways — I no longer feel the need to always be with another person, although I lean into opportunities to connect with my friends and family whenever I can. I am content to be by myself; in fact, I crave moments in which I can experience alone time. Each day, I do my best to consider what will make me happy instead of prioritizing other people’s feelings above my own. Sometimes, I would rather sit in my room alone, perfectly happy, than be in a room full of people having an experience I could have honestly done without. I remind myself of how pointless it is to fear missing out on experiences because my life is taking place wherever I am.