Mastering Mass

A Catholic school kid’s guide to getting through Mass (without being bored)

By: Goamaar Paul

Enduring an hour-long church service may seem difficult if you’ve never done it before—for a Catholic school kid, it’s light work. Going to Mass for the first time? Here are some tips to help you get through a lengthy service without completely losing your mind!

1. For the Popstar-in-Training:

For the musically-inclined among us, poring through the hymnals is your best bet. If you haven’t been paying attention in music class, it may be difficult to tell the treble clefs from the eighth notes, but don’t fret! Singing along to “Amazing Grace” and “Here I Am, Lord” will soon have you forgetting all about your elementary-level musical knowledge.

By the time the choir gets to “They’ll Know We are Christians,” you might actually be having a little fun. 

2. Scandalous Bible Stories

If you can get your hands on a Bible, be sure to check out its most interesting tales. Want to know just how terrible life could get? Check out the story of Job! Interested in beheadings? Read all about Judith and Holofernes! Been having escapist fantasies? Take notes from Jonah’s stay in the whale.

3. Sneaky Snoozer

Every seasoned mass-goer gets this scheme down to a science by the time they’ve sat through the third droning homily in a month. It is imperative that you escape your teacher’s watchful eagle eye. Any sign of drowsiness will earn you a spot right next to them, where they can (and will) ensure you’re the perkiest member of the congregation. Tuck your head, close your eyes, fold your hands, and snooze away! The pews are much comfier than they seem. 

4. “But I Have an Appointment!”

A strategy that can be pulled off only by the craftiest of us:

If your mother makes an offhand remark about an upcoming doctor’s appointment, don’t let the opportunity slip! How unfortunate it is that you have a book report to give on Tuesday and a field trip on Thursday - leaving Wednesday, specifically during Mass, the only available time for an appointment. 

P.S. —If you play your cards right, you may even get to strut proudly back into class with McDonald’s.