The Harrowing Experience of Confessions at Catholic School

How to bear your soul in a respectable way

By: Erica Bouska

It’s the worst time of year. The priests are in the gym, the tension is building in your fourth-grade classroom, and your religion teacher has been warning you all week. It’s here. Confession. The most terrifying sacrament. But if you follow these steps, you might make it out alive.

Step 1: Never, ever talk to your priest. The priest from your church that you see during school mass and speaks to your class every once and a while, you can’t tell him. He knows you. He knows your parents, your teachers. Every time you see him, he’ll sit there, judging you. Go talk to one of the priests they brought in from a nearby church.

Step 2: Timing is everything. When you trek to your gym with the 50 people above confession age–from the baby second-graders to the superior eighth-graders–you have to time when you get in line. You’re aiming for the middle end. That way, the priest has already gone through 20 people, and he’s tired. But he won’t remember you because you aren’t last. It’s perfect. 

Step 3: Write your script when you get in line. You’ve done this for two years now. You know the rhythm of what’s going down. You’ve seen kids freeze when they aren’t prepared and traded silent glances as you step forward in the jolting line. So rehearse in your head. Plan the priest's response. Always have backup confessions in case he goes off-script. But don’t prepare until you’re in line. Otherwise, it’ll sound practiced. Your stutter and pauses must be genuine. 

Step 4: The confession must be specific but broad and exactly what he’d expect from a fourth-grader. The go-to: I lie to my parents sometimes. Easy, believable, innocuous. Something religious is always a good bonus: I should pray more, or I sometimes use God’s name in vain. Then he knows God is on your mind. 

Step 5: Take whatever penance the priest gives you with a shaky smile and return to your folding chair. But most importantly, you do your prayers. You can prepare for the priest. But God sees everything.