Code-Switching Exhaustion

Which version of yourself are you in different groups of people?

By Shannon Brault

Slowing down due to COVID-19 has made social interactions with friends, family, and classmates seem like they require more energy than they used to. Before COVID-19, many of us were burning the candle at both ends trying to fulfill all of our commitments, tasks, and requirements. Between school, work, friends, and family, we had little time for ourselves. But with things slowly going back to “normal,” it is exhausting figuring out how to act around people you have not seen much in the past year. 

I have noticed how exhausting it is to code-switch between your work self, family self, friend self, and school self. The way we act is often dependent on the people we are around. There are things we would say and do around our friends that we wouldn’t say or do around our family or when we are at work. 

As I am being exposed to more social interactions after months of not leaving my house, I am unable to remember how I acted around people before the pandemic began. Sometimes it feels like I have forgotten how to act around people, and other times it feels painfully obvious how often I code-switch between the different groups of people in my life. 

With my family, I am sassy and outspoken; at work, I am attentive and quiet; with my friends, I am loud and energetic; and at school, I am laid-back and shy. I catch myself being loud and outspoken at work and I panic, thinking that the boxes I have created around the parts of my life must remain steady. The constant code-switching is a way of keeping parts of my life separate, but sometimes it feels like I am living multiple lives. Sometimes I will be exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and not know why until I examine how many times I switched up how I was acting that day. 

It even becomes exhausting to code-switch between my family members. The way I tell my parents a story is slightly different from how I would tell my siblings a story. The details of my story and the explicitness of those details will change depending on if I am talking to my sister or my grandma. I become fearful of breaking the barriers that have been set in place. 

We do not have only one identity, which makes code-switching understandable. What makes it difficult is the idea of waking up one day, not knowing which self aligns with who you are and who you want to be. We have many identities and many things to bring to the table, so why do we not bring all of our identities and love to every situation? Are our identities not accepted? Is it because we have different relationships with different people? I don’t think there is a definitive answer as to why we code-switch, but it seems to be an inevitable part of all of our relationships. 

Over the past few years, code-switching has felt like another daily chore. It has felt like something I need to do in order to be accepted into all parts of my own life. I have been trying to be more open and honest with myself and with those around me about things that are important to me. 

I started sharing my experience with an eating disorder with friends, family, and social media followers two years ago as a way to integrate the truths I wanted to forget about into the parts of my life I had been trying to protect. It is hard to feel fully present in a situation—and fully yourself—when you’re unable to show all of the parts of yourself that make you who you are, and in this case, all the experiences that make you who you are. You can feel lonely and misunderstood. But all of your identities are a part of you, whether they make an appearance in every situation or not.

Sharing my stories with people has helped me to feel like a single person, rather than six different people. This was easy to forget during quarantine since I only needed to interact with my family and close friends, but now that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it is important to remind myself that I can show up fully in all situations and that I do not have to hide things about myself. 

Sometimes code-switching is necessary. The way you talk to your boss is going to be different than the way you talk to your best friend, but the important thing to remember is that you can show up and take up space in all parts of your life. You don’t have to compartmentalize your identities and who you are into different parts of your life. Humans are complex creatures with multiple identities. You cannot be confined to one identity, and that is a special thing. Maybe it is time for us to break the cycle of code-switching exhaustion and show up in this world as our full and honest selves, without fear of what other people think.