The Power of Not Being Sorry

Why should we apologize for being human?

By Caroline Cohen

It happens all the time: you bump into a stranger on the sidewalk, interrupt someone mid-sentence, take the same step when getting off the elevator, or simply drop something. These little unintentional actions are followed by the most unnecessary reaction: “I’m sorry.” But why? Couldn’t these blips in our day be understood with an “excuse me!” instead? Why do all of us, especially women, fall into the cycle of apologizing for everything we do?

I was guilty of this for so long and probably still am. But once my mother made me take accountability for it, I realized how few conversations we have in a day and how many of my conversations involved apologies. I vividly remember her placing a pocket-sized composition notebook in my left hand and a pen in my right. When I asked her what for, she said:

“You’re going to write a tally down every time you say sorry.”

“Why?”

“Because you say ‘sorry’ too much.”

“Oh,” I said, “Sorry.”

Since then, I have recognized this in my apartment. My roommates and I are constantly throwing “sorry” back and forth, whether someone has the TV on one notch too loud or forgot to run the dishwasher the night before. I told my roommates that we should keep a jar out and whenever an unneeded “sorry” arises, that person has to put in a dollar. Because we’re broke college students, this never happened, but now when I hear someone say “sorry” unnecessarily, I say “dollar.” Now most of my conversations are filled with “dollar” instead of “sorry.” I give my friends the same stern but loving look that my mother still gives me every time I utter an apology, and if your mom’s evil eye doesn’t stop you from a bad habit, I’m not sure anything will. 

I needed answers. Why do I feel so guilty about everything I do? Why are my friends and I constantly throwing “sorry” around, making ourselves feel worse? Why do my male friends have no idea this problem exists? So I dug around. I found that research connects over-apologizing with specific psychological attachment styles. For those who do not know, attachment styles develop in us as children based on the way that we were parented. Secure attachment means that you were raised to have three things: a stable view of the world, a strong confidence in yourself, and the ability to process your emotions. Securely attached people do not randomly apologize, but tend to follow the eight steps of effective apologies. Some of these steps include expressing remorse, accepting responsibility, and promising not to repeat that behavior in the future. But these steps are undermined by a quick, insincere apology. When we inadvertently skip a song that someone was singing to and quickly apologize, does that “sorry” mean we’re forbidden from making that error ever again? And is that a reasonable expectation to have for ourselves?

For those who were parented to have one of the three insecure attachment styles, emotions are difficult to process, resulting in one of the five defensive strategies or over-apologizing to compensate for guilt. This doesn’t mean that you were raised poorly if you are burdened with the guilt chromosome like I was. According to Psychology Today, it means that once a relationship has been strained, apologizing is your main strategy to rebuilding and maintaining connections. And for those of us who are insecurely attached, this can be exceptionally difficult, but incredibly necessary. “Sorry” can be a beautiful means of binding the relationships we fear losing or preventing feelings of guilt, but it’s far more difficult than uttering a few meaningless words.

And if we’re talking insecure, we’re talking to us ladies. We go about our day guilt-ridden by the tiniest missteps, fearful that we’ll make another. We tear ourselves down by apologizing for “being too loud” when that’s just who we are, not sharing our thoughts because we feel like no one wants to hear them, and constantly comparing ourselves to others. But why? Not all women are insecurely attached. So why are so many women prone to guilt and insecurity? Why can men be fearless and bold without consequences? Why are they not apologizing for actions that actually hurt others?

This could be because women have a stronger sense of the offense threshold. This hypothesis argues that men can be a bit oblivious to social offenses. Women tend to be more aware of social offenses, which may explain why we throw “sorry” out of our mouths every thirty seconds. Although it might not be explained in psychological terms, I also see how the women around me respond to these tiny, casual offenses. We take them personally. We let them weigh on us, and constantly lighten the load by spitting out “sorry” instead of standing tall and owning that we, like everyone else, can make mistakes.

Don’t get me wrong, I think “sorry” is an incredibly powerful tool in relationships. Sometimes, “sorry” is needed. But it must be sincere. A sincere “sorry” shows compassion, and we could all give more of that to ourselves, to loved ones, to strangers, and even to the people who drive us crazy. So I want to change my relationship to “sorry.” Or more specifically, I want to replace my “sorry” with something more intentional. Instead of apologizing when you glance at your phone during a conversation, be specific and apologize for not giving that person your full attention. Instead of apologizing for running into someone, say “excuse me.” Instead of apologizing for not washing the dishes, thank your roommate for doing them. Don’t apologize for the things that make up who you are, just change your relationship to them. Make your “sorry” more intentional, not more frequent.