Blood Doesn’t Make You Family

A good reminder for toxic family members and going home for the holidays

By Kathryn Richner

While branded as the most wonderful time of the year, for some, the holidays are seen as stress and anxiety disguised in ribbons and bows. For those who thrive off of Netflix Christmas movies, Michael Bublé, and the now worn out idea of an ugly Christmas sweater, it seems appropriate to label those who don’t as a Scrooge who is unwilling to embrace the joy of the holidays. But not only can there be stress around holiday shopping, party planning, and travel—for some, the holidays can also signify the dread of spending time with toxic family members.

Consider this situation which I observed through someone I know: they recently found out through researching their ancestry that the man that they knew to be father for their entire life was not their biological father. Their biological mother had an affair with their biological father and kept it a secret from them as well as her husband. After discovering this information, does this person now have an obligation to the stranger they are suddenly blood related to? Should they reject the person who raised them and instead give the “father” label to whom their DNA came from? The answer is no, and this individual didn’t allow this new knowledge to change their relationship with their non-biological father. Family is ultimately earned and shouldn’t be forced upon us. Just like in any other healthy relationship, if a family member is toxic or abusive, there is no obligation to maintain that relationship simply due to your genetic makeup.

What defines true family is those who give you joy and with whom you genuinely enjoy being around. How would holiday stress change if instead of spending it with toxic family members out of some distorted obligation to DNA, we instead chose to spend it with the individuals who love us back?