Dear the ones I’ve resented…

An apology to those you love yet begrudge

By Esther Chan

Resentment is bound to happen with the ones you love because even if you truly love them, the truth is sometimes you just don’t like them. Unfortunately, if you’re like me, you would rather take the easy way out and cut off ties or yank out your own toenails than swallow your pride.

 Love, in any form, is never an auto-pilot course which means you’ve got to put in the work. This isn’t an advisory to maintain toxic relationships, but it is an apology letter “template” or reflection for if you truly want to work at those tedious relationships in your life. Unfortunately, sometimes that means being first to apologize. And that excruciating first step is admitting your own shit…

You end up regretting the resentment built when your differences created distance and became weapons of strife and apathy. And resentment flourished when you never opened up again because that one misplaced response signified that reality clashed with idealized expectations. You claimed to have forgiven but never did let go. Instead, those grudges led to slammed doors with sideway glances, to emotional shut-downs, and the daily disingenuous, “How are you?” 

You’re sorry that pride held captive your heart. Even now, you cling onto passive aggressiveness like the most precious ring instead of honesty and humility. You were never strong enough to acknowledge the issue, preferring instead to ignore the problem. Because of that, you never offered forgiveness just as you never asked for theirs. 

You became caught up in whether or not you liked them, never pausing to consider how you still loved them. In each passing “dislike” moment, the resentment prospered and you never thought to still treat them like you love them—more importantly, like they love you. You fed the monster of resentment, and you’re sorry that somehow you still cannot stop.