You Think You Failed Yourself, But Try Again

Just trying to be without self-comparison.

Ilke Gunay

It was only a few weeks ago when I seriously sat down and started doing research about transferring to schools back home. The reason I considered packing my entire existence (and vanishing as if I’d never set foot on this continent) was because of not having lived up to the expectations I’d built for myself in the past few years. 

I’ve always aimed to compete with myself in order to be successful in life. I’d thought not comparing yourself or your success to others would be easier at college, since who really is there to compare yourself to in a 200 person lecture? Yet, it has now come to the point where I can compare myself to these ghosts of people who are always more successful and happier than me to be here. 

I live a life where I’m always inferior to myself. I’m the mastermind when it comes to self-sabotage. I’ve been feeling like an impostor who doesn’t ever deserve to be among all these people, and for what? Because I forget or simply disregard the past and focus on my future from the most inaccurate and deceptive lens. Attempting to evaluate my success by comparing it to what other people's futures might look like. 

After my extensive research on giving up on what was once my biggest dream, I’ve come to the conclusion that even if I left this all, I would still have the power to find an excuse to escape achieving anything. In the end, the best aspect of attending a very large lecture is that those flawless beings of illusion will not be able to detect my poor grades, accomplishments, or insecurities; nor will they care if I dropped out of school or not. If I'm the one who makes myself suffer all of these self-manipulations, I can also be the one to give myself another try without owing this privilege to anyone.